Somewhere love remains
by HistoryGeek1399
Summary: A/U Alex Cabot and Casey Novak have been married for five years, when Alex suddenly announces she wants a divorce. Secrets old and new must be revealed before they can find out if love truly does conquer all or are something's too much to overcome.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N; This is different to my normal stuff in that it starts off a littler darker and remains that way for a while. **

**I own none of the unoriginal characters…although I have been a very good girl this year and am hoping I will receive Casey for Christmas…**

It was a rainy Sunday in New York City and Casey Novak founder herself walking a familiar path, it was as if her feet knew the way without any input from her mind. A good thing as it was currently occupied with thoughts of the decision she had just made or had made for her might be a more accurate description. Finding a park bench she slumped down on it, ignoring the rain soaking her shirt as she tried to process all that had happened in the two weeks.

It was a dull Friday and for once she had managed to get out of the office early and decided she would do something special for her wife of five years. From the moment she had first met Alexandra Cabot she had been enchanted with the commanding blonde, it had taken her weeks to pluck up the courage to actually talk to Alex. By the end of their first date she had known Alex was going to be the woman she married and grew old with and so she had proposed a year later, with a pebble, she had a ring as well but the pebble was the most important part.

One of their earliest dates had been to the zoo, as they had walked around hand in hand, stealing kisses and sharing ice-cream they had ended up at the penguin enclosure and Alex had confessed they were her favourite animals. She had talked animatedly about how penguins mated for life, even if their mate died they never found another and they 'proposed' using a pebble. As she had listened to Alex talk she realised two things, firstly Alex had a well hidden soft side and secondly, she was head over heels in love with the blonde. She had found her penguin, or so she thought. Shivering against the cold she recalled the night it all changed.

_Before leaving the office she had found a recipe for baked Ziti knowing it was Alex's favourite and had made herself a shopping list, a quick stop at the market, florist and off licence later she pulled onto their driveway and headed inside. Quickly getting changed she set about preparing the meal and laying the table, lighting the candles and the fire as Alex's usual time to arrive home arrived. As the time ticked by the candles burned down, the meal spoiled and there was still no sign of Alex, she had called, texted and left several messages for her wife. As the clock ticked towards midnight she was starting to panic, pacing the floor she heard the sound of a car pulling onto the drive way and rushed towards the door opening it just as Alex raised her key to unlock the door, a taxi pulling off the drive. _

"_You're late." Greeted Casey her anger making her words harsh._

"_Strange, I didn't realise I had a curfew." Snapped Alex as she passed Casey in the hallway the scent of alcohol trailing behind her._

_Sighing Casey locked the door and followed after her wife who was pouring herself a large measure of Scotch, "Al…I was just worried about you and I made dinner and called…."_

"_My phone was off." Replied Alex, draining her glass before refilling it and repeating the action._

"_Did something happen at work?" Asked Casey knowing her wife only drank hard liquor when she was stressed, she preferred wine, like the bottle she had brought that afternoon._

"_I'm going to take a shower." Replied Alex picking up her glass and the bottle she passed Casey without another word and headed up the stairs._

_Listening to the shower running Casey set about cleaning up, working SVU alongside Alex she understood that sometimes the cases sucked every good thought and feeling from you. Where she would go to the batting cage and hit balls until her muscles burned and her hands blistered, Alex would internalise everything, her 'Ice Princess' mask firmly in place until she had processed everything. Hearing the shower shut off Casey grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge and headed up to their bedroom._

_Seeing Alex sitting on the edge of their bed in her robe, her hair damp from the shower Casey felt the familiar flutter of butterflies in her stomach. "I brought you a bottle of water and I can fix you a sandwich or something if you're hungry." Offered Casey in a gentle voice._

"_I'm perfectly capable of getting my own water and feeding myself." Snapped Alex, not looking up._

"_I know. Al, I'm your wife it's my job to look after you." Replied Casey keeping her tone light despite the sting of pain she felt at Alex's words. _

"_I don't need looking after!" Snapped Alex. _

"_What do you need then Alexandra?" Asked Casey her patients wearing out. "Because I'm lost here! I made you dinner, I wanted to do something nice for you because I love you and then you come home drunk at midnight without so much as a text message to stop me worrying! So please tell me what it is you want?"_

"_I want a divorce." Replied Alex her voice just above a whisper._

"_What?" Asked Casey her heart hammering in her chest._

"_I want a divorce. I don't…I don't love you anymore." Replied Alex her voice stronger._

"_Alex….I don't understand…" Stuttered Casey._

"_You heard me. I want a divorce." Replied Alex finally meeting Casey's gaze._

"_Why? What did I do?" Asked Casey trying to hold back her tears._

"_It's….It's not you it's me….I can't be married to you anymore. I just don't love you anymore." Replied Alex._

"_Oh…well screw you then." Snapped Casey as she fled from the room determined that Alex wasn't going to see her cry._

_Picking up her car keys and purse she rushed out the front door and driving around aimlessly until the sun began to rise. Finding a reasonably priced hotel she had checked in hoping Alex just needed time to calm down, a hope that was dashed when she was served with divorce papers the following Monday and her belonging's boxed up and delivered to her office a few days later. _

She was snapped from her memories when she felt a shudder run through her body, leaning forwards she began to sob, ignoring the stares of those walking by and the rain that had soaked through every layer of clothing she was wearing, she cried until her throat was raw and her stomach ached. She wasn't sure how long it took her to get control on her emotions, but the sky was darker and the air colder as she walked back to her hotel.

* * *

><p>Alexandra Cabot knew she was a coward, knew that she had broken her own heart and hurt the woman she loved, all she could hope was that one day Casey would find the happiness she deserved. Pouring another glass of Scotch she relived the news that had changed her life, had forced her to make the hardest descion of her life. They had been trying for a baby unsuccessfully for almost a year and Alex had decided to go for some tests, she hadn't mentioned them to her wife as she fully expected them to come back clear, after all she was Alexandra Cabot she didn't fail at anything.<p>

Sitting at her desk reading over a report for an up-coming case she heard her cell phone start to ring and had answered it without checking the caller Id.

"_Cabot." _

"_Hello Alex, It's Doctor Rea here, I'm calling about your test results." Greeted her doctor. _

"_Okay, is everything okay?" Asked Alex still only half focused on the call. _

"_Actually, I need you to come by my office." Replied the doctor._

_Feeling her heart rate double Alex sat up straighter in her seat, "Okay. I'll book an appointment for next week."_

"_Today would be better. Can you be here in an hour?" Asked the doctor._

"_Of course." Replied Alex her voice wobbling with nerves. _

"_Good, I'll see you then. And Alex, maybe you should bring Casey with you." Suggested the doctor. _

"_She's in court, whatever it is I'll be fine." Replied Alex hanging up before the doctor could speak again. Throwing her phone down on the desk she took a few deep breaths as she tried to control her panic. It was probably nothing or maybe their last test had been wrong and she was already pregnant. Twenty minutes later she collected her purse and informed her sectary she would be working from home for the rest of the day before taking a cab to her doctor's office._

_Pacing the waiting room she jumped when the doctor called her name and ushered her into her office with a sympathetic smile. Looking across at the petit brunette she searched for an answer in her eyes, finding none all she could do was wait until the doctor spoke. _

"_Alex, I have the results of your tests and I'm sorry but because of the scarring on your ovaries there is very little chance you will be able to conceive." Explained the doctor._

_That was the last she heard, half an hour later she staggered outside and headed towards the nearest bar, ordering a double single malt she downed it before ordering a replacement a process she repeated several times, before heading to a table tucked in the back away from prying eyes. Hearing her phone ring with her wife's tone she fished it out of her purse before turning it off and downing her drink. How was she meant to look her wife in the face and tell her they couldn't have a baby and it was all her fault. _

She was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of the doorbell, staggering down the hall she checked the peep-hole frowning when she saw no one on the other side. Opening the door she looked up and down the street before noticing a large brown envelope resting against the step, picking it up she recognised Casey's hand writing and felt her heart clench. Closing the door she walked back to the couch, pouring another generous measure of Scotch before opening the envelope, tipping it upside down so a smaller envelope slipped into her hands. Downing her drink she opened the envelope and started to read,

_My Darling Alexandra,_

_ Do you remember the day we first spoke? It was raining and you were waiting in line for a cab and I stepped up behind you and held my umbrella over you? You looked around and gave me a wide smile and said, "It's about time Novak, I've been waiting for you to talk to me." _

_I was so shocked, I was sure you hadn't even noticed that I was alive, much less had a desire to talk to me. I had wanted to talk to you from the moment we were introduced on my first day, I'm not sure where the courage came from to do it that day but I'm glad I did. There hasn't been a day since you came into my life that I have or will ever regret the time we spent together. I have loved you from the first time I saw you smile and I will love you until the day I die. You made my life so much better just by being in it, the day we got married was the best of my life._

_It rained that day too, seeing you walking down the aisle towards me a smile on your face and I thought my heart was going to burst with happiness. You had been so worried that the rain and the fact that my parents refused to come would spoil the day, but the truth is Alex, you were all I needed to be happy. You, you are all I have ever needed or wanted in life, everything else is just a bonus._

_From the moment we met you made me better, you taught me to smile again, to laugh, to cry and to trust. I don't have to hide my pain, you don't let me get away with fake smiles or 'I'm fines' you listen without judging me or trivialising my fears. You make me feel safe, I don't have to be self-conscious or insecure because you love me for who I am._

_Then you stopped and now my heart is more broken than it has ever been before, one half is full of memories of the life we shared and the other is dead and empty and I'm not sure which hurts more. I look at the photo of us, the only one I have kept on the night stand and cry, we were at Amanda's surprise birthday party and Elliott and Fin were letting off fireworks even though it was snowing. We were cuddled up, sharing body heat, you had on my woolly hat and it was too big so it kept slipping down to cover your eyes, our noses red from the cold and matching goofy grins that only those in love could pull off. In that moment I thought we would always be together, that you accepted me with my flaws just as I accepted you. _

_Outside the rain is pouring down in gallons, but it isn't enough to drown out the sorrow of missing you of missing us. It was raining on the day we first spoke, it rained on our wedding day, and on a rainy day I shall let you go. Not because I want to, but because I love you too much to force you to stay married to me when I don't make you happy anymore. _

_Do not think that just because I signed the papers I am giving up on us, on you because I'm not, I will always love you and if you come to realise you have made a mistake, I will be here waiting for you. You are my penguin and I have to believe that somewhere that love remains._

_Casey. Xx_

Finishing the letter Alex was in tears reaching into the envelope again she pulled out the divorce papers, seeing Casey's signature scrawled in all the right places and began to cry. She wanted to call Casey, beg for forgiveness, tell her it was a mistake, tell her that she was a fool, but she couldn't, she wouldn't be the reason Casey didn't get the happy ever after she deserved.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N; There are trigger warnings for small mentions of self-harm and abuse in this chapter. To the Guest who reviewed, I'm sorry if you feel my stories are all the same, I hope this one won't be. It's darker than my normal stuff, at least for now. Also, there is more to Alex's behaviour than there seemed on the surface. Anyway, enjoy and let me know your thoughts. **

After spending the night tossing and turning Casey was awake before the sun was up, she had planned to spend the day apartment hunting, she couldn't stay in the hotel permanently. Climbing out of bed long enough to make a cup of coffee and collect her laptop she crawled back into bed, taking a sip of coffee as the laptop booted up she felt her heart clench at the picture she used as a background. It had been taken on their honeymoon, they were both in bikinis grinning at the camera, which Casey was holding out in front of them. The look of love on Alex's face had always made her heart skip, where had that love gone?

The longer she looked at the picture the angrier she became, how could Alex just decide their marriage was over and give her some lame excuse about not loving her anymore, you don't just stop loving someone overnight. How had they gone from being happy and planning to have a family to getting a divorce? She hadn't even know that Alex's feelings had changed, they had spent the weekend before making love and just being with each other.

_Waking up Sunday morning Casey could hear Alex moving around the bedroom no doubt tidying up, the blonde had always been an early riser even on the weekends, "Come back to bed." _

"_Or you could get up and we could go for a run together?" Replied Alex. _

"_Or you could come back to bed and we can get all hot and sweaty without putting on clothes?" Countered Casey rolling over so she was facing her wife._

"_I don't know. I'm not sure you've got it in you." Replied Alex with a smirk. _

"_Oh really?" Grinned Casey springing out of bed and chasing Alex around the bed until she caught her and threw her down on the bed. "Let's find out shall we." Smirked Casey lightly pouncing on the blonde, attacking her neck with kisses and small nips. _

_Lightly tugging on Casey's hair Alex brought their mouths together in a playful kiss, lightly nipping Casey's bottom lip with her teeth, "Sure you're up for the challenge?"_

_Growling in response Casey pinned Alex's hands above her head, "More than up to it." _

_Slipping her hands under the seam of Alex's sports bra she pushed it over her head, pressing butterfly kisses to each nipple as she worked the tight garment over Alex's head, leaving it around Alex's wrists to keep her hands in place. Leaning back Casey pulled her sleep top over her head making sure to brush her naked breasts against Alex's as she dropped her shirt to the floor, giving an internal cheer as Alex's eyes further darkened with desire. __Leaning down and purred, "I want my fingers inside you, my mouth on you, I want you screaming my name." Her hand firmly cupping Alex's centre._

_"Oh God." Gulped Alex her mouth dry as all the moisture in her body travelled south._

_"What's the matter? Don't think you can handle it?" Asked Casey as her fingers continued stroking the thin material of the running pants Alex was wearing. _

_Biting her lip to stop herself crying out in pleasure at the feeling of Casey's strong fingers applying light pressure to her aching centre, she attempted to reach out her hands to touch her wife. Moaning as she found herself once again pushed back against the bed, almost crying in disappointment when Casey stood from the bed and walked into the walk in closet, returning a moment later with a silk scarf, using it to gently but firmly tie Alex's wrists in place._

_"You are so fucking sexy." Muttered Casey as she stood back to admire the view._

_"Like what you see?" Asked Alex in an attempt to take back control some measure of contol._

_Rather than reply Casey lightly trailed her fingers over Alex's erect nipples giving them a light pinch, causing the blonde to moan, "Do you like that?"_

_"Yes." Muttered Alex realising Casey had usurped all the power_

_Casey took a step back and began removing her sleep shorts, kicking them aside before removing Alex's trousers, smirking when she saw how wet her wife was, "Something you want?"_

_"I want you to make me cum." Replied Alex her eyes slamming shut as she felt Casey's tongue flick softly across her nipple, "Casey please."_

"_Please what?" Asked Casey as she used the tip of her tongue to tease Alex's nipples, alternating between the two, making sure to keep her movements soft and slow._

"_More." Groaned Alex pushing herself up as much as her restraints allowed, opening her legs in invitation as Casey crawled up her body pressing small random kisses across her chest and down her ribs._

_"I want to taste you." Husked Casey as she lifted Alex's long legs over her shoulders, swiping her tongue through the waiting wetness moaning at the taste, "You taste so good." Whispered Casey dipping her head to repeat the action several times before stopping and kissing her way back up to Alex's mouth._

_"Casey! Please make me cum." Begged Alex._

_"Patients." Husked Casey her tongue darting out to slide across Alex's parted lips, allowing the blonde to taste herself, her stroking the inside of Alex's thigh her fingers climbing higher with each pass._

_"Please." Begged Alex._

_Grinning Casey dragged her fingertips through Alex's wetness, causing the blonde to arch up off the bed. Forcing herself to keep her movements slow and steady as she teased Alex's clit until the blonde started to buck against her hand, her moans filling the room._

_"Inside, I need you inside. Please." Panted Alex._

_Suppressing a moan she straddled Alex's toned thigh as she entered Alex with two fingers, giving her a second to adjust she began to move them in and out slowly, rocking against her. _

_The joint sensations of Casey's excitement against her leg and her fingers deep inside her, causing the blonde to whimper with need, "Faster." Adding another finger Casey sped up her movements making sure to curl her fingers until Alex came screaming her name. The sight of Alex coming undone sending her over the edge just moments later. _

_Slumping down on the bed Casey quickly untied the restraints, pressing soft kisses to the marks Alex had made when she pulled against them, they laid in silence for a few minutes as they caught their breaths. _

"_That was amazing." Smiled Alex resting her head on Casey's chest._

"_Told you so." Smirked Casey stroking a hand through Alex's sweaty hair._

"_Smug much Novak." Asked Alex._

"_I have a beautiful wife, who I love more than life itself and we are going to have a family and we are going to have a happy life." Replied Casey pulling Alex close for a deep kiss. _

"_I love you Case, you know that right?" Asked Alex knowing there were times Casey struggled to accept that she was loved and wanted. _

"_I know, you shoe me every day." Smiled Casey._

"_Good because, you will forever be my always." Whispered Alex reciting the last line of the vow she had made on their wedding day._

The rest of the day had been spent making love and planning their vacation, how did all of that go away in five days? Feeling restless Casey quickly dressed and left the hotel.

* * *

><p>Not bothering to knock she used her key to let herself in, somewhat surprised the locks hadn't been changed. Walking into the lounge she almost gagged at the smell of alcohol raiding from the living room, seeing Alex asleep on the couch she felt her anger flare once more. Crossing the room she yanked the curtains open letting the sunlight stream into the room, "Wakey wakey."<p>

"What? Huh?" Asked Alex bolting upright, grimacing as the sunlight streamed into the room.

"I've been gone a week!" Replied Casey indicating the empty bourbon bottles littering the coffee table.

Dragging a hand through her hair Alex sighed as she sat up using her hand to block the sunlight from her eyes. "Get out Casey." Ordered Alex in a tired voice.

"No, we are going to talk." Replied Casey in a firm voice.

"I don't want to talk to you, I want you to leave." Snapped Alex pouring a generous measure of bourbon in a glass only to growl when it was taken from her hand.

"It's not even ten in the morning and your drinking." Snapped Casey.

Picking the bottle up Alex took a swig straight from it, "Well that's what you've driven me to."

"Cut the crap Alexandra, talk to me like a human being before you drink yourself to death." Snapped Casey taking the bottle away from Alex and marching into the kitchen. Pouring the remaining liquid down the sink she flicked the kettle on to make coffee, groaning as she heard the front door slam shut. Racing towards the door she saw Alex walking along the street still in the sweat pants and t-shirt she had been in when she arrived.

Muttering "God dam it Alex." Under her breath she jogged down the street to catch up with her. Catching up to the blonde Casey tugged on her arm bringing her to a halt, "Please Alex, come inside and talk to me. You owe me that at least."

"I am done talking to you." Snapped Alex yanking her arm from Casey's grip.

Shaking her head sadly Casey whispered, "You haven't started talking to me Alex. You don't get to announce you want a divorce without giving a real reason, you don't get to drink yourself into oblivion and you don't get to treat me like I'm nothing. Please come and talk to me, that's all I ask."

"I have nothing to say, just leave me alone." Replied Alex.

"I don't want to do this in the street." Replied Casey aware they were drawing the stares of their neighbours.

"Why? I thought your class loved this sort of thing." Snapped Alex raising her voice.

"Stop. Please." Begged Casey trying not to let the hurt show in her voice.

"Why? I told you. I. Want. A. Divorce." Yelled Alex ignoring the stares that where being sent her way.

Holding her hands up in surrender Casey took a step back, "I'm not giving up on you Alex. I love you and so when you're ready to talk, to act like a person I'll be waiting. In the meantime take care of yourself, at least stop drinking so much you look like hell and even if you've stopped caring about you, I haven't."

"Then start, I'm not worth it." Replied Alex her voice softer.

"You will forever be my always." Replied Casey turning to head back to her car, knowing she wouldn't get anywhere with Alex when she had been drinking.

* * *

><p>Alex stood in silence as she watched Casey turn and walk back to her car, standing in the street until long after Casey's car had turned the corner. Taking a deep breath she headed back into the house, shivering as the cold November air finally reached her. Looking around the living room she picked up a three quarter full bottle of bourbon and headed towards the bathroom, swigging from the bottle as she went, anything to block out the images running through her mind.<p>

Turning the shower on she took another swig of bourbon before stepping under the still cool spray letting it revive her. Reaching out for the bottle it slipped from her grasp smashing on the floor. The sound of the smashing glass breaking through the last of her defences as she slumped to the floor of the shower her eyes wide as the memories played like an old movie.

_It was the summer of Alex's fifth birthday and she had her parents had travelled to Boston to visit her grandparents, she had been so excited she loved her grandparents' house. To her young mind the large house was like a palace with its long hall ways and the large gardens, full of trees and secret hideaways. It was her third day there and she was tucked away in the garden reading a book when a shadow fell across her, looking up she sent her grandfather a shy smile, "Hi Pop."_

"_Alexandra, look at you covered in grass." Smiled the elder man as he sat on the bench next to her._

"_Sorry Pop." Mumbled Alex looking down at the ground afraid she was going to get in trouble. _

"_It's okay, let's see if we can get these marks off that pretty dress." Offered Alexander Cabot Senior with a twisted smile. _

Chocking back a scream Alex was shaking as the memory continued, she could smell his breath, feel the callouses on his hands as they slipped under the hem of her dress. Looking down at her arm she was shocked to see the cuts marring her skin, a piece of glass held tightly in her other hand, she had no recollection of picking it up. Tossing it away she stayed sitting on the floor of the shower until she stopped shaking, pushing herself to her feet she quickly washed off before stepping out of the shower.

Staring at her reflection in the mirror she was appalled at how weak she looked, Casey was better off without her, the world would be better off without her. Before she could fully process the thought that had just crossed her mind she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

"Seriously? I need to change the locks." Muttered Alex as she pulled on her robe and headed downstairs to where a heavily pregnant Serena was waiting for her.

"There you are, I was beginning to think you had passed out drunk somewhere." Scolded Serena as she indicated the empty bottles on the table.

"Please Serena, just leave me alone." Begged Alex, she didn't have the energy to fight Serena.

"Ally, I'm your best friend, we have known each other since we were kids. You talk to me about everything, hell we spent a month discussing your proposal. So why did I find out you were divorcing your wife from my wife who spent the night comforting Casey. Who in case you're wondering is a mess, who doesn't know what she has done to make you want to leave her, something I'd like to know as well." Replied Serena.

"I don't want to talk, I want to drink." Replied Alex.

"From what I've heard that's all you have done. Please, stop before you do something you're going to regret." Pleaded Serena moving the bottle from Alex's reach, making the blonde glare at her, "I won't watch you do this."

"Then leave." Muttered Alex.

"And then what? When are you going to stop being an ass and let people in? What good does drinking yourself into a stupor do?" Demanded Serena not flinching from the icy glare Alex was sending her way.

"I can't look at you right now." Whispered Alex.

"Ally, talk to me please?" Replied Serena. Looking at Alex she could see the dark circles under her eyes and the blood marking the sleeve of her robe. Stepping closer to her friend she reached out a hand to take her bloody arm, jumping as Alex yanked her arm back.

"Don't touch me! Please, please don't touch me." Whimpered Alex.

"Okay, it's okay." Whispered Serena in a soothing voice.

"Please just leave." Begged Alex.

"Not a chance." Replied Serena with a firm shake of her head.

"Rena…" Started Alex only to start to cry.

Approaching her friend slowly Serena placed a comforting hand on her arm and guided her down on to the sofa, pulling her as close as her bump would allow she held her until she had cried herself to sleep. Once she was sure the blonde was asleep she reached for her phone dialling a familiar number, praying her call would be answered, "Casey, it's me. She needs you."

"I'll be there in twenty." Replied Casey already heading out of the door before hanging up.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N; Trigger warning for mention of abuse but nothing overly graphic. **

Putting a finger to her lips Serena whispered, "She's asleep." Gently extricating herself from the couch, she stared down at Alex until she was satisfied the other woman wasn't going to wake she indicated the kitchen with a tilt of her head.

"What's going on?" Demanded Casey as soon as they were in the kitchen.

"I have no idea, she won't talk to me but there is blood on her arm, she's drinking like a fish and didn't want to be touched. Casey I'm really worried about her, I've never seen her so…so vulnerable." Replied Serena worrying her bottom lip with her teeth.

Dragging a hand through her hair Casey sighed, "I should have pushed harder this morning."

"Don't blame yourself, we both know Alex only talks when she's ready and not a second before." Replied Serena giving Casey's shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

"I know, I just, I hate seeing her in pain. Why don't you get off home, I'll stay with her." Offered Casey with a warm smile.

"If you're sure?" Questioned Serena.

Before Casey could answer they were joined by Alex, "Actually you can both leave. I don't need a babysitter."

Matching Alex's glare Casey addressed Serena, "Go home Rena, I'll call you later."

Looking between the two Serena debated arguing but knew Alex well enough to know her presence would add to the tension, "Alex, I love you, we both do so stop shutting us out and let us help you." Holding up her hand to stop Alex speaking she continued, "You might not want to talk, but you need to talk. Look at you, you're a mess, you've been drinking, there are cuts on your arm which are clearly self-inflicted and you threw away your marriage on a whim. Oh, and if the rumours are true handed in your notice at work. That's not the Alex we know and love, so let us help you because I promise you there is nothing you can say or do that will stop us loving you and being here for you."

"Rena you don't understand…" Whispered Alex.

"Alex you asked me once how I could be sure Casey loved you, remember?" Seeing Alex nod she went on, "You served her with divorce papers, threw her out of the house and refused to tell her why, yet one phone call and here she is ready, willing and able to take whatever crap you throw at her and love you thought whatever this is. That's love. So I'm telling you now, what I told you then; don't throw it away because you're afraid you're not perfect, because you're not perfect. You are stubborn, insecure, a little selfish, you don't always listen and you run from your problems but you are perfect for Casey and she is perfect for you, so suck it up and let her in. Case, I'll call you later." With that Serena picked up her purse and left leaving silence in her wake.

"For someone I'm sure is dressed by woodland creatures she is terrifying." Muttered Casey breaking the silence between the two of them.

"Just leave Casey, I'm not worth your time or your love, so just go. Please." Started Alex her voice flat and emotionless.

"Alexandra I am not going anywhere, not today, not tomorrow and not the next day so deal with it. Now go and sit down I want to clean your arm up and then we can talk." Replied Casey in a firm voice. Heading into the bathroom to get the first aid kit, she saw the broken glass on the floor of the shower and the red stains around it. Swallowing down her fear she quickly picked up the first aid box and a warm pair of pyjamas and headed back down to Alex. Seeing the blonde still standing in the kitchen doorway her shoulders shaking lightly Casey put the first aid box and the pyjamas on the table and walked across to her wife placing a hand on her shoulder, "Al…"

"No please! Please don't! Please don't hurt me." Begged Alex almost flattening herself against the wall.

"It's okay, it's okay." Whispered Casey taking half a step back, "You're okay."

"Case?" Asked Alex her voice almost childlike.

"I'm here Darling, Just take a few slow breaths." Once Alex was calmer she asked, "Can I come closer?" Seeing the blonde nod she slowly stepped closer gently touching Alex's arm her heart sinking when the blonde flinched slightly.

"Sorry." Whispered Alex.

"It's okay." Whispered Casey, "Let's get you into some warm pyjamas and get your arm cleaned up."

"You don't have to stay." Replied Alex her voice stronger.

"I know I don't have to but I want to. Alex, you are my wife and there is nothing in this world that would make me leave your side when you need me." Replied Casey helping Alex into her pyjamas and sitting her on the sofa, "Better?"

"Yeah."

As she set about cleaning the marks on Alex's arms she was concerned that the blonde didn't flinch, wince or show any emotion. "None of these look like they need stitches."

"Okay."

Once she had finished taking care of Alex's arm and cleaned up the bathroom and returned to where Alex was still curled up on the sofa. Sitting on the edge she lightly stroked a hand through Alex's blonde hair, "Talk to me Alex, please." Getting no response she sighed, "Was giving up our marriage really that easy for you?"

"No!"

"Then what is going on?" Demanded Casey frustration creeping into her voice.

"I-I'm no good." Whispered Alex hanging her head.

"Al…." Started Casey.

"You think it was easy? You think I wanted this? I love you Casey I always have, I always will but, I couldn't be the reason you didn't get everything you wanted in life."

"You are all I want. All I've ever wanted and when we have a baby….Alex?" Asked Casey as the blonde jumped to her feet and began to pace the lounge.

"I can't have children…there was…I can't." Alex cut off as she started to hyperventilate from the images playing through her mind.

Casey was by her side in a second, rubbing soothing circles on her back, "Breathe. That's it nice and slowly." Feeling Alex start to calm she led her back to the couch wrapping the blanket from the back of the sofa round her shoulders, "Better?"

"Yeah."

"I'll get you some water and then we can talk, okay?"

"Okay." Whispered Alex staring at her hands.

"Look at me." Whispered Casey using her fingers to tilt Alex's face until they made eye contact, "Alex, you are more than I ever thought I would have, everything else is a bonus. If you thought I would leave you because of this then you are wrong. I love you."

"Are you mad at me?" Mumbled Alex looking at the floor.

"Not mad, disappointed that you didn't think I loved you enough to stand by you, but not mad." Explained Casey.

"It's all my fault." Whispered Alex silent tears making their way down her cheeks.

"Al…"

"He…he made me I swear I didn't want to. I swear. You have to believe me please." Sobbed Alex.

Casey felt as if she had been dosed in ice water at Alex's words, "Sweetie I believe you, just tell me who hurt you?"

"I didn't want him to but I couldn't make it stop…he wouldn't stop. He was too strong and I was only little. He said it was our secret, that no one would believe me, he was right. No one believed me, I told daddy but he said I lied and he sent me away. I didn't lie." Rambled Alex as if she hadn't heard Casey.

Things began to fall in to place in Casey's mind as she listened to Alex's rambling, the blondes distance from her father, the nightmares and the reluctance to make love or be touched in the weeks that followed them. Realising Alex had stopped speaking and was staring her with terrified eyes as if her brain had just registered the words she had said, "Its okay, everything is going to be okay. We're going to get through this together, it hasn't changed how much I love you."

"You can't love me, I'm broken." Whispered Alex as more tears slid down her cheeks.

Dropping to her knee's Casey took Alex's hands in her own, "You listen to me, you are not broken, you're without doubt the strongest woman I have ever met. And you seem to be forgetting that you are not alone and if you stumble I will pick you up, if you fall to pieces I will but you back together and if you can't face the fight I will fight for you. Amor Vincit Omnia."

"Love conquers all." Parroted Alex with a small smile. "I'm sorry."

"No more apologies, I love you and we can get through this together."

"I don't deserve you, I can't give you a baby because I was weak."

"Baby, you're not weak and as for a baby we have other options and even if it never happens, I'm still the luckiest woman alive because I have you." Replied Casey in a firm voice.

"I'm so tired." Whispered Alex slumping against Casey.

"You want to take a nap?" Asked Casey.

Nodding Alex asked, "Will you hold me?" In a small voice.

"Always." Smiled Casey holding out a hand she pulled Alex to her feet, leading her towards their bedroom.

Pulling on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt Casey climbed in bed, letting Alex dictate how much contact she wanted, she was pleasantly surprised when the blonde rested her head on her chest allowing her to wrap her arms around her and pull her close. They laid in silence for a while and just when Casey thought Alex was asleep the blonde started to speak.

"It started when I was five, we were visiting my grandparents in Boston, I had always loved their house; it was so big, with its long hallways and secret passages. I would pretend to be an explorer, investigating the gardens looking for rare insects. One day I was reading and he came over, he said my dress was dirty and that he could get the marks off so I didn't get in trouble…"

Feeling Alex start to shake Casey tightened her grip but didn't speak not wanting to interrupt Alex's flow.

"I didn't think anything of it at first, I mean he was my grandfather and he was just brushing the grass off and then…then his hand slip under my dress and rub my leg...at first I was just confused it didn't hurt and he was a grown up and then…"

"It's okay." Whispered Casey softly stroking Alex's back.

"Then it hurt…God it hurt so much and I cried and I begged but he just put a hand over my mouth and carried on. It felt like it had gone on for hours when he stopped, he told me it was our secret and if I told anyone they wouldn't believe me and they would send me away. I was so frightened, I kept quiet, I thought…I thought that was it, it was over. But as I got older he would creep into my room at night and…then when I was eleven my he sent my parents to Paris for three months to deal with one of the business holdings. I was supposed to stay with my grandparents for that time, I was so scared that I told my father what was going on and he slapped me and called me a liar."

For the first time since Alex had started talking Casey could hear bitterness in her voice.

"A week later I was shipped off to school in London. Part of me was relieved that I was far away from him, that he couldn't hurt me anymore. I found excuses to stay in London over the holidays, stayed with friends as much as I could, I'm sure Serena's parents thought they had gained another daughter I was there so much. By the time I started college I'd buried the memories and then one day he turned up at my apartment, the apartment he and my grandmother had brought me as a graduation gift. I didn't want the apartment I had a waitressing job and was happy to share with Kim and Rena, but my father insisted. My grandfather turned up, he told me it was only because of him I was at college, that it was his money that paid my tuition…I could smell the alcohol on his breath…he…he raped me."

Taking a shuddering breath she continued, "I couldn't tell anyone, I thought I wouldn't be believed, thought I would be sent away from my mother and my friends like before, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and tried to forget it. I moved out, even though it angered my father and I never touched my trust fund, I didn't want his money. I was just starting to recover when…when I…found out I was pregnant."

Casey could feel tears on her own cheeks as she listened, not knowing what to say to offer comfort, she just tightened her hold on her shaking wife and listened.

"I didn't know what to do, I couldn't got to my parents because I knew they wouldn't believe me and would think I was a whore. I didn't know where to turn, so I told Serena. I told her it was a one night stand with some drunk frat boy and she leant me the money I needed to get an abortion. I was so afraid my parents would find out that I went to a less than respectable clinic. I didn't know it at the time but something must have gone wrong and caused some damage, that's why I can't get pregnant. So now you know and if you want to walk away, you can."

Flipping their positions so she was above the blonde Casey waited until Alex finally looked up at her, "Alex, have you not been listening? I love you, I'm not going anywhere. What you went through, what that bastard did to you was in no way your fault. I'm guessing you repressed all of these memories and then when you spoke to the doctor it broke the defences. So now you are going to have to face up to them and that terrifies you, hence you trying to push me away and the drinking. It won't work. I'm not going anywhere, I love you."

"I love you too." Whispered Alex with a yawn, having finally confessed her secret she felt hollow and tired to the bone.

"Sleep, I'll be here in the morning." Promised Casey pressing a soft kiss to Alex's temple.

Casey wasn't surprised when Alex's breathing quickly evened out, slipping from her embrace she quickly called Serena letting her know Alex was sleeping and promising they would talk more later, she called Liz and took an extended leave from work before removing all the alcohol from the house and tidying up. The more she thought about the things Alex had told her the more her anger pounded in her ears, how anyone could do that to a child, let alone their own grandchild and how had her father turned her away. Heading back to the bedroom she slipped back into the bed, as she watched Alex sleep she felt tears on her own cheeks and made a silent vow that whatever it took she would be by Alex's side and would make them pay for hurting her.


	4. Chapter 4

Casey hadn't realised she had fallen asleep until a hand connected with her face, pushing her towards the edge of the bed, followed by a kick to the shin and a loud scream. Moving Alex's hand she sat up and spoke softly, "Al, Alex it's me. You're safe. Wake up."

"No. No, please don't. Please, I won't tell." Sobbed Alex as she continued to blindly hit out.

"It's okay. I've got you, you're safe." Whispered Casey lightly shaking Alex to wake her from her nightmare.

Bolting up right Alex was covered in a light film of sweat her breathing rapid and uneven as she tried to work out where she was. Feeling a warm hand on her back she gripped it in her own, "C-Casey?"

"I'm here Al, you're okay." Whispered Casey sitting perfectly still so she didn't further frighten Alex, "You want to talk about it?"

"I…no." Mumbled Alex as she stood and headed towards the bathroom.

Sighing Casey watched Alex headed towards the bathroom and called, "Don't lock the door." Hearing the door close but not lock Casey dragged a hand through her hair and walked to the window, she wasn't sure what worried her more the nightmare or that Alex didn't argue with her over locking the door, hearing the tap turn off she headed back to bed waiting for Alex to join her. After ten minutes she started to worry and knocked on the door, "Al you okay in there?"

"Fine." Came the quiet reply.

"I'm coming in." Replied Casey, opening the door she headed inside her heart aching when she saw Alex curled up in the corner of the room, "Talk to me Sweetheart?" Getting no response she whispered, "Please."

"He was hurting you. Because I told he was hurting you. I couldn't stop him, I tried but I couldn't." Whispered Alex tears rolling down her cheeks her gaze fixed on the floor.

Reaching out a hand Casey whispered, "Al…" hey look at me. I'm safe, you're safe, he can't hurt either of us, I promise."

"I'm such a mess. Look at me, I'm damaged goods, broken, disgusting." Replied Alex in a bitter voice, clenching her fist so hard her nails dug into her palms drawing blood.

Reaching for her wife's hands Casey unclenched her fists pressing small kisses to each palm before, whispering, "You are not a mess, you are not damaged goods, you are not broken and you are not disgusting. You are beautiful…"

"You can't tell me I'm beautiful with these scars!" Interrupted Alex.

Shaking her head Casey replied, "My darling you are beautiful inside and out, I love you as much today as I did the day we married. No, you know what I love you more now, I love you more and more every day. I love your smile, the way your eyes reflect each of your emotions and the way your hand fits mine. I love your compassion, your drive and that you have used every favour and trick in your bag for the squad and the victims something even more remarkable considering all you have been through. There is nothing in this world that will stop me loving you or seeing your beauty."

"I'm giving you an out, one last time. Take it please." Begged Alex.

"Al when are you going to realise I need you, a lot more than you think? More than you have ever needed me. From the moment we met I knew I was lost, that you were going to be someone special. I love you, trust you and want you above all others, nothing is going to change that. Alex people write really bad fiction about the kind of love we have, I mean there are some good ones, I'd be happy to bookmark for you but I digress. I'm not going anywhere, no matter how tough things get, no matter how hard you push I'm not going because I know there are people who search their whole lives looking for a small percentage of what we have. So, wash your face, come back to bed and let me hold you."

"Okay." Replied Alex with a small smile.

As they climbed back into bed Casey pulled Alex into her arms relieved when her wife didn't flinch, "I love you Alexandra and whatever comes our way we're going to get through it together."

"I love you too." Whispered Alex pressing herself further into Casey's embrace as they settled into a comfortable silence. Just as Casey thought Alex was asleep the blonde spoke, "You're wrong, you know."

"Huh?" Asked Casey in a sleepy voice.

"You were wrong, when you said I didn't need you as much as you needed me. You make me laugh, you make me cry and you make me love, you chipped away at the 'Ice Princess' until she became human. I would be lost without you, I know I offered you an out but if I was to lose you, I know I wouldn't survive losing you. You're my solace, my safe place and you will forever be my always." Replied Alex.

"Al…you're not the Ice Princess, you've never been that to me and I promise I'm not going anywhere." Whispered Casey her voice soft.

"I believe you." Whispered Alex with a yawn.

"Good, now sleep." Smiled Casey tightening her hold on Alex they quickly fell asleep.

* * *

><p>The rest of the weekend passed quickly and Monday morning Alex and Casey headed into the office both wanted to take a leave of absence, spend some time working on their marriage and dealing with Alex's issues without the added horror of the cases that crossed their desks on a daily basis. Knocking on Liz's door Casey could see Alex shaking and reached out to take her hand and whispered, "I love you Alexandra."<p>

Before Alex could reply Liz opened the door giving them a warm smile, "Alex, Casey come in." As she walked back to her desk she was relived if surprised to see them holding hands, in all the years they had been together she had never witnessed them being tactile in the office.

"Thank you for seeing us." Smiled Casey as she sat next to Alex.

"Of course, what can I do for you?" Asked Liz.

Looking at Alex who was staring at the floor Casey sighed before explaining, "We need to take a leave of absence there are something's we need to take care of away from the office."

"When were you hoping to start this leave..." Started Liz.

"Did you know?" Demanded Alex making Liz jump and Casey stare at her.

"Alexandra?" Asked Liz with a frown.

"Did he tell you?" Asked Alex as she started to pace. "I bet you knew all about it, probably gave him a list of schools to ship me off to. Curb my wild ways! I mean you landed a prime position here."

Seeing the confused look on Liz's face Casey dragged a hand through her hair before standing and gripping Alex's hand, "Enough. Take a breath and calm down before you say something that can't be taken back."

Staring into Casey's steady gaze Alex took a shuddering breath before nodding and allowing her wife to lead her back to her chair, swallowing several times she finally made eye contact with her god mother who was watching her with a mixture of confusion and concern. Taking Casey's hand in her own she sent her wife a grateful smile before speaking, "We've been trying to get pregnant but it didn't work so my doctor ran some tests. She found…she sound scarring consistent with a botched abortion, one I had in college."

"I don't understand." Whispered Liz moving from behind her desk to sit on the edge so she was closer to Alex.

"He raped me." Whispered Alex her voice so quiet Liz almost missed what she said.

"Who?" Asked Liz anger in her voice, seeing Alex wasn't going to answer she looked at Casey for an explanation.

Looking at Alex for permission Casey recounted everything Alex had told her as she finished she was worried Liz had become very pale and looked as if she was going to vomit, "Liz?"

"I'll kill the bastard, both of them." Growled Liz, "Alex I swear to you I didn't know, when your father asked me about schools I recommended London because of its academic reputation. If I had known…I'd have reported him. No that's a lie I would have hog tied and castrated the bastard with a blunt spoon."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Whispered Alex.

Moving so she was on the couch next to the crying blonde Liz opened her arms pleased when her god daughter leaned into her embrace, "Alex we're here for you, I'll arrange your leave, Casey's too. You just focus on yourself, your job will be here if and when you want it."

"Thank you. I'm sorry for what I said, you're an amazing prosecutor, you got here on talent and maybe a little blackmail." Replied Alex with a small smile.

"Forgiven. Now, go home and rest up, I'll call you later to check in." Promised Liz.

Once she had taken care of covering the SVU docket Liz packed up her papers, telling her assistant she would be out of the office for the day she drove towards the uptown penthouse owned by Alexander Cabot Senior.

* * *

><p>Arriving home Alex and Casey changed into causal clothes and curled up on the couch watching a mindless comedy re-run in comfortable silence. Hearing a light snore Casey smiled unsurprised the blonde had fallen asleep, given the emotional upheaval of the last few days and the nightmare the night before they were both exhausted. Just as Casey was debating waking Alex to eat some lunch there was a knock at the front door, startling Alex awake.<p>

"I'll go." Smiled Casey pressing a soft kiss to the corner of her wife's mouth before heading towards the door. Opening the door Casey's smile dropped upon seeing her in laws on the other, "Alexander, Charlotte, it's nice to see you both…"

"Save it." Snapped Alexander, "I take it Alex is home."

"Yes she is, but unless you calm down you're not coming in." Replied Casey in a firm voice.

"My family money paid for this house, now move." Replied Alexander.

Blocking the doorway Casey pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, "You need to leave before I call the police and have you arrested, I'm willing to bet I have as many favours as you to make your life difficult."

Before Alexander could reply Charlotte placed a retraining hand on her husband's arm and spoke in a calm voice, "Casey we just need to speak with Alexandra, no one is angry and there is no need to call the police."

As Casey silently debated what to do she jumped when she felt a hand on her arm, "It's okay Casey let them in I'm guessing they've heard from Liz."

"One word out of place and I'll throw you out on your ass consequences be damned." Warned Casey before stepping aside.

No one spoke until they were in the lounge Alex sat in the arm chair with Casey on the arm, whilst the elder Cabot's perched on the edge of the couch. Alexander was the first to break the silence, "Why are you telling these lies Alexandra? We raised you better than that."

"I'm not lying." Whispered Alex.

"Maybe that squad you work in has rubbed off on you or Cassandra's lower class is shining through, but these lies need to stop now…" Started Alexander.

"Why am I telling these lies? He hurt me! He raped me! And you let him!" Yelled Alex jumping to her feet, "I told you, I told you he was hurting me and you sent me away! I needed you, I needed my daddy and you sent me away."

"Stop it!" Demanded Alexander glaring at his daughter, "Clearly you have forgotten what it is to be a Cabot."

"No, if being a Cabot means turning your back on your children when they need you then I don't want to be a Cabot, I'd rather be a Novak." Replied Alex matching her father's glare.

"When? When did she tell you?" Demanded Charlotte Cabot staring at her husband.

Slumping back on the couch Alexander ran a hand through his hair as he recalled the conversation that had haunted him for years, one he had so desperately hoped was just a teenage cry for attention.

_Hanging up the phone Alexander sighed before leaving his office in search of his wife and daughter, hearing laughter coming from the kitchen he took a moment to watch them as they decorated holiday cookies. As if sensing his presence they looked up, their faces so alike it never failed to make him smile. "That was father, we are required in Paris to oversee some business we leave in the New Year."_

"_Cool." Grinned Alex._

"_Not you stretch, you have school which means you'll be staying with your grandparents." Replied Alexander. _

"_No. I don't want to. Why can't I come with you?" Demanded Alex her heart thumping in her chest at the thought of being alone with her grandfather for three months. _

"_I already told you, you have school…" Started Alexander sighing as his daughter rushed past him the slamming of her bedroom door echoing through the house. Sharing a look with his wife he sighed and headed up the stairs. Taking a calming breath he knocked the door and headed inside. _

"_Go away." Yelled Alex burying her head under the pillow._

_Removing the pillow he asked, "Alexandra why are you being so obtuse about this? I thought you enjoyed visiting your grandparents."_

"_I just don't want to go." Replied Alex with a shrug._

"_Alexandra, this is not up for negotiation. Now, talk to me like an adult or you're grounded until I decide otherwise."_

"_He hurts me." Whispered Alex with tears in her eyes. _

"_Who?" Asked Alexander. _

"_Grandfather, he comes into my room at night and hurts me." Whispered Alex. _

_Without thought Alexander slapped the side of his daughters face, "How dare you tell lies. You stay in your room until you learn to tell the truth." Walking out of the room he called Liz and used her connections to get Alex a place in a prestigious school in London. Their conversation was never mentioned again and he had buried it in the back of his mind until that morning when Liz had turned up, slapping his face so hard he saw stars._

Realising he needed to reply out loud he said,_ "_Just before we went to Paris."

"You disgust me." Snapped Charlotte glaring at her husband.

"Charlotte…"

"Save it. Alexandra, I had no idea if I had known I would have made him pay." Seeing her daughter nod and give her a small smile she added, "Now if you'll excuse me I need some air."

"Mum…" Whispered Alex.

"He hurt you and I didn't protect you, I'm so sorry." Whispered Charlotte before placing a soft kiss on Alex's cheek and sending her husband a disgusted look. Climbing in the car she turned in the direction of her father in laws penthouse.

"I should go and talk to your mother." Said Alexander after ten minutes of silence. Standing he looked towards his daughter, "Al..."

"Just get out." Growled Casey.

Nodding Alexander walked out of the door without another word, calling a cab he gave the address of his father's town house.

Once they were alone Alex lost her hold on her emotions and collapsed against her Casey who gently led her to the sofa and pulled her close letting her cry until she was calmer.

"I'm sorry." Whispered Alex.

"Don't be sorry, you need to let it out. I love you." Replied Casey, "How about some lunch?"

"Sounds good, I think we're out of everything edible though. Would you mind going and getting pizza from Jubilees?" Asked Alex with her best puppy dog eyes.

"Anything for you." Smiled Casey relieved Alex was eating, placing their order over the phone Casey pecked Alex on the lips and headed to pick up their pizza after calling in at the florets.

Arriving home Casey frowned when Alex's car wasn't on the drive, heading inside she found no sign of her wife, checking the gun safe her heart sank when she found it empty. Grabbing her keys she rushed back outside dialling Alex's number as she pulled off the drive, getting her wife's voicemail she through her phone down and prayed she would arrive before it was too late.

* * *

><p>Climbing out of the car Liv stretched her aching muscles, with Elliott and Fin out with the flu and Munch on desk duty after breaking his leg, she and Amanda had been on duty for almost thirty hours with only a brief nap in the cribs. Heading inside she pulled on her gloves and nodded to the uniforms and CSI's she recognised before heading to where Amanda and Melinda were standing over a body. "What have we got?"<p>

"Victims name is Alexander Cabot Senior, cause of death appears to be a gunshot to the chest." Replied Melinda.


End file.
